Isolation and Organizing

I tell people that I’ve been organizing since I was a child.

And I have.

I remember getting people together to let us have extra playtime. Petitioning and networking for Mental Health support for my fellow students. Advocating for my queer peers to be able to be referred to as any pronouns they are. Organizing a Diversity Assembly and writing a script about

Each time, I faced isolation as I was considered “Rowdy” , “Combative”, and “Odd”. Each time after, people used the services I fought for with tooth and nail, not even knowing a Black Queer Autistic Femme was behind it.

In my adult years organizing, I’ve been considered similar things.

People hate when you disrupt a status quo.

As an adult, I’ve chosen at times to isolate and have been isolated by many of our precious organizer fellows. It is nature for me to be curious and ask questions especially when things don’t line up, it’s literally speaking truth.

But when a system thrives on silence and conformity, others will oppress to keep their safety and security.

On specific times of isolation I think about organizations I’ve joined that made it a point to keep me excluded when I was a part of them. My authenticity shaking up their white supremacist culture. Organizations that are so powerful you start to put two and two together then you realize they’re replicating systems of harm and oppression by keeping themselves over water and standing on Black and Indigenous Folk for answers and labor.

Sometimes though, it was people who used their influence to isolate me. Spreading rumors, sabotaging job opportunities, real CIA stuff. These individuals made it to where every place I went to organize, people I went to organize , individuals and orgs had their minds made up about me. An incorrect mind.

Most of the time though, my isolation is self afflicted. I realize that the forces I’m up against require a lot of resilience, self reflection, and accountability. I’ll have communications with individuals and organizations then have a moment of,

“Y’all not really here to flip tables huh? It’s because you have a ticket promised to a seat? Do you have the ticket physically? How long has the seat been occupied? Is the food even worth it?”

It causes me to turn in on myself and recalibrate.

It makes me sit with self and think about how truly lonely this fight is and at some point I’ve gotten ok with it. I create projects, I talk bolder, I stand more confident. Learning self, learning perspectives, loving myself,, I could go on for ages.

Most importantly, I choose self and my ancestors when I do this strategically.

When the white people come to me treating my life like it’s a debate and discussion, I’m not as reactive because that’s what they want. They want me to get out of my skin and perform for their game of morality.

When the organizations that say they want to uplift houseless people come knocking at my head trying to use my life story, research and passion I have, I strongly say “No. you will not use my experience for trauma porn. You will not capitalize on me. I’m tired of going unnamed.”

When those in my community say harmful things, indicators of their capacity of decolonizing, I hold up a mirror and stay silent instead of mammying.

I hold my knees to my chest and write. I make connections from A to B to C to E. I remind myself that this world was made to keep people like me oppressed and expendable.

Isolation becomes a tool for me to fight back.

But then it can quickly become a tool of destruction, operating like a seductive spirit, holding me in its sweet embrace.

Where I’m resting becomes a deathly embrace, a place I must escape. The books I read become tasks that need to be finished and not tools of relaxation. My mind becomes pregnant with thoughts of suicide and hopelessness, valid emotions that get close to action.

The glass is never full, it’s not on the table, hell the glass don’t fucking exist.

The oppressors want this. For me to fall into this chasm.

But then wouldn’t I be falling for their despicable tactics??

Journal Prompts